Loss & Grief
Loss & Grief
Loss can come into our lives in lots of ways and affect each of us differently. One of the biggest and most difficult losses is the death of someone really important to you. There are however many types of loss where you might experience grief.
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The death of someone you love.
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Your parents or other important people splitting up or getting divorced.
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Separation from a parent, both parents and your family.
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Separation from friends or your community.
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Moving away from home or leaving your country.
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Loss of your childhood.
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Splitting up with your partner.
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Having a miscarriage.
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Being forced to give up something you don't want to (like your job, child, or home).
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Losing your job.
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Leaving school or university.
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Losing or not having the ability to have children.
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Losing the ability to do some things through disability.
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Having an abortion.
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Becoming really sick or seeing someone else become really sick.
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Even when we experience change that is positive to us such as leaving school and starting work we can also experience some feelings of grief for what we've left behind.
When we have a loss in our life we go through reactions of grief. These reactions and feelings are different for everyone.
What is grief?
When you lose someone or something, your life can be thrown into chaos. Something you valued is gone and your world looks really different. Grief is the feeling we have after a loss. It is the reaction to the loss and the desire to go back to the life that once was.
When you grieve you might notice some of these stages, experiences and feelings. You might not feel all of them, and you might not feel them in the same order.
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Denial, shock or disbelief - "It hasn't really happened" "This isn't real" "I must be dreaming" "She is just fooling around" "He will be back". This is kind of like a temporary relief and helps you to not get completely taken over by grief.
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Questions, questions, questions - You try to make sense of the loss. These might be related to feelings of guilt - "Why didn't I?" "If only I had…" "I should have…" or confusion - "What is going on?" "I don't understand" "What happened?".
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Anxiety/despair - Loss can be scary. You might ask about your future, "What will I do?" "How will I cope?" or have a fear of losing control - "I'm going to lose it…" "I can't stop…" "What else might I lose without me being able to stop it?"
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Anger - Anger comes from other feelings like feeling abandoned, hurt or scared. You might express anger in lots of ways. You might direct your anger at people you think caused the loss. "Why did you…?" "You always…" "You never cared" or feel helplessness - "I couldn't stop it" "I can't change anything" "I can't cope".
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Bargaining – Often we try to strike a deal with ourselves and with the Creator in an attempt to make the loss or grief go away. We make promises to do or not do this or that to try and alter the outcome.
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Depression, crying, sobbing - Sadness might feel like a cloud over your whole world. You might yearn for what you have lost. You might lose interest in life - you don't want to go out, see or do things you usually do. You might feel loneliness if you cut yourself off or feel you have no one to turn to.
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Acceptance and adjusting to new life patterns - Realising it has happened and the pain does not hurt so much. Everything is different but the struggle is not as huge. Life goes on with the memories and experience of knowing what you once had. You start looking toward the future.
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Grief can have physical symptoms like headaches, feeling sick in the stomach, aching muscles, run down, loss of or not being able to sleep, feeling tired, having no energy. You might find you get sick more easily.
If there's something you feel that is not on the list, add it. These feelings can happen at any time and for any length of time. You might have more than one at once. You might feel really good one day and awful the next. Special times like Christmas; birthdays or anniversaries can be difficult. You may return to a feeling and go through it again. Sometimes it can feel worse in the lead up to the day. Sometimes you might wonder if you will ever feel "normal" again. You will - gradually the pain is with you less often and life finds a new sense of meaning. (If you find you are stuck in one of these feelings and not gradually moving on over time, it would be a good idea to talk to a counselor about it).
Dealing with loss
Grief affects you in lots of ways. Not only do you have a rush of emotions that can be hard to cope with, but you might also do things that can get you in a bad situation! Allow your self to transition through the stages of grief .
Drugs and alcohol
You might use drugs and alcohol to try and cover up the pain or make it go away. The pain and upsurge of emotions with grief can sometimes make you feel like you can't cope. Many people think using drugs or alcohol is the only way, or a good way to deal with the pain. Using this method may just "put off" or prolong the natural process of grief and create more difficult problems.
Hurt other people
It's natural to feel angry when you grieve. Anger is sometimes the emotion you show when there are a whole heap of other emotions happening underneath. If you think you've no safe place to express yourself or don't understand what's going on, you might turn anger on other people or on yourself. Anger is a natural emotion; violence is a chosen behaviour. Anger can be expressed in a safe and positive way without hurting others.
Hurt yourself
Anger that is not expressed in a safe way can be turned inward on yourself. When you grieve it is natural to feel anger and a whole lot of other emotions. Choosing to hurt yourself is only one choice to express the pain that is happening for you. There are many other ways you can choose to express yourself.
If you have chosen any of these things, it can be useful to talk to someone you trust or find other ways to express yourself. Some people express themselves through art or music others like to write down what they are feeling. This can also be a stepping stone to explaining how you feel to other people. See Tips to Help for more suggestions.
Tips to help
Here are some tips.
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Accept your own feelings - No-one will feel what you do, in the same way or with the same power. Understand what you are feeling as natural. Let yourself cry, talk about the loss or have a laugh. Check out the stages of grief. Let yourself feel what you are feeling. The feeling will pass.
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Express your feelings - Talk to someone you trust. Write a letter, poetry or a journal. Paint, draw or sing. Express what you are feeling, your fear, your hurt and your loss. Talk about what you have gained by knowing the person or having the experience you have had. Talk about the good and not so good times. Send it, keep it, hang it up, give it to someone, discard it or show it to someone you trust.
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Ceremonies - Funerals, ceremonies or memorials can be important. They are an opportunity to share your grief with other people or help accept an ending in your life. This is an ending of one phase in your life and the beginning of a new one.
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Take each step at a time - Live each day as it comes. Experience what you are experiencing in your own time. Understand and accept disruption in your life. Take control of things you can. Remind yourself of the things you have little or no control over. Give yourself permission to grieve.
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Relax - Exercise, take a warm bath (with some aromatherapy oils and incense), meditate, have a massage or spa. Listen to soothing music. Do things you like doing and that help you to relax.
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Move forward - What have you learned from that person, place or experience? What memories do you have? How have they become part of your life? How might you carry these on? How might you share them with children or others? What place might these skills, attributes, stories or knowledge hold in your future?
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Support - Support is essential. Talk to a friend, family or someone you trust. Sometimes it might feel people "don't understand" or "get sick of your grieving". It can be useful to check out a counselor or have a network of supports in your life.
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Have a laugh - Your sense of humour can be a great tool in at any hard time. It is OK to laugh at things you would usually laugh at. Advantages of laughter are that it gives you just a little break from the pain and that it releases healthy, healing chemicals into your body.
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Celebrate your memory - Plant something as a living memorial. Carry or wear something that reminds you of the person who died or the thing you have lost. Create a memory book or journal with photo's, stories, pictures or poems. Put up a photo or something else that reminds you of that person (something they made, a trophy or gave to you). Spend time at a place or doing things that you used to do.
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Explore your spirituality - Pray, meditate or spend some time with nature. Use your own personal spirituality to explore what death or loss means to you and your spiritual self.
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Change - Be open to new ways of doing things. When it feels right, start something new. Don't feel guilty about this, it is part of healing and you will never lose what your relationship with the person you have lost has given you.
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Be aware - It is natural to become more dependent on others immediately after a loss. It is not useful to keep this going for a long time. Keep an eye out for signs you are not gradually feeling better. Give yourself a pat on the back when you do things for yourself.
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Reward yourself - Be kind to yourself. Do things you like doing. Treat yourself to things that make you happy. When you feel ready, do something to help someone else. Soak up the enjoyment as much as you can!
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Write down the things you have learned - What have you noticed about yourself in this time? What have you found hardest? How did you over-come the hard things? What did you find easiest? What does this tell you about yourself? What have you learnt about your life? What beliefs have you gained, let go of or are new to you? How might you use this knowledge in your future? If you write it down you will see how you are gradually feeling better.
Note: It is not usually a good idea to make major life changing decisions in the first few months after the loss. It is often better to wait until your life is back in balance again.
At ONIPA we address the whole person rather than the symptom. Illness and dis-order are states of mind. We care enough about your well-being to help you restore order and balance to your life according to the healing principles of our ancestors
